How wise I am to have instructed the butler
       to instruct the first footman to instruct the second
       footman to instruct the doorman to order my carriage;
I am about to volunteer a definition of marriage.
Just as I know that there are two Hagens, Walter and Copen,
I know that marriage is a legal and religious alliance entered
       into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a
       woman who can't sleep with the window open.
Moreover, just as I am unsure of the difference between
       flora and fauna and flotsam and jetsam,
I am quite sure that marriage is the alliance of two people
       one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other
       never forgetsam,
And he refuses to believe there is a leak in the water pipe or
       the gas pipe and she is convinced she is about to asphyxiate
       or drown,
And she says Quick get up and get my hairbrushes off the
       windowsill, it's raining in, and he replies Oh they're all right,
       it's only raining straight down.
That is why marriage is so much more interesting than divorce,
Because it's the only known example of the happy meeting of
       the immovable object and the irresistible force.
So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and
       combat over everything debatable and combatable,
Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
       particularly if he has income and she is pattable.